Trust in the Darkness

One of the most challenging things in life is trusting God when you can’t see a way out. And that has been the last two months for Garrett and I. We know He called us to Romania as He has provided in so many amazing ways, but we have one final roadblock that has yet to be removed: my allowance to stay in the country.

It was disheartening leaving the first time when we traveled to Ukraine in late October, going into a war zone but believing God would take care of us. During that time I rediscovered a desire to learn about the Bible in more ways than just reading it myself. And through listening to podcasts I found myself understanding the concept of trusting God and His faithfulness in a whole new way. Our faith in Him is never without evidence or unfounded. I saw with new eyes how He’d been paving the way.

We returned to Romania and were seeing God move in providing for my permit. We had people we’ve never even met fighting for me, for our ministry and calling others to do the same. But after three weeks, we were still unfinished. We had to leave the country a second time.

God provided an amazing family for us to stay with in Hungary, a couple with two children that Garrett and I had met but not had the time to get to know deeper. We spent a week and a half visiting with them, and through them we were blessed financially and with so many needed items for our daughter that we had no way of purchasing ourselves. We also spent time with another family that were so thankful for our encouragement in their dark time.

And so we returned to Romania again in faith that God would take care of everything. We had my prenatal appointment and finished up the last of the items I need for my permit application. But after 3 more days, it became obvious that we were still missing our final piece of paperwork. It was time to leave for the third time.

After putting so much faith in God and seeing Him move, to watch Him stop moving was nearly unbearable. I felt angry, hurt, betrayed and confused as to why we’ve been seeing Him provide and this time there was no visible reason. It took me a long time to place what I was feeling, who I could relate it to biblically. There was no sin, no turning away from our calling, no punishment. I was forced to run because of no fault of my own. Just like David.

This week I have been spending time in the Psalms, searching for commonality and comfort among this struggle. Through it, I’ve seen threads. David is angry and hurt, and he is allowed to sit in it! But through this anger, he is unmoved. He continued on in his sorrow, without sinning, and without changing.

Psalm 11:4 speaks of how God’s eyes see, but His eyelids test. God allows us to sit in darkness, He keeps his distance in painful times, but our hope will not perish forever. We will not be forgotten. We simply must keep trusting, and have faith.