Throughout my life, my biggest fear was being alone. I spent a lonely 10 months in an apartment by myself during college, a month after Garrett and I got engaged as he toured, and a week here and there as he’s gone to do ministry at times. It’s fun for a day, but after that I’m ready for company again. So you can imagine my nervousness when he told me he wanted to go to Ukraine for an undetermined amount of time, with the potential of him never returning.
This is something I have worked on with God for a long time, and coming to the close of our near two-month separation, I believe God has given me not only healthy coping mechanisms through routine, but also a deeper understanding as to why I am this way.
I believe sometimes the phrase “coping” can be interpreted negatively, but sometimes coping is necessary. And coping brings comfort, a feeling of control and the ability to grow to progress. One of the best mechanisms I discovered was a week after Garrett left. I bought and assembled a dresser. It doesn’t sound like a huge deal, but to do something physical that gave me mental satisfaction at its completion reminded me that while I long for community(and rightfully so), I can flourish on my own. So I continued this trend. I cleaned, I cooked, I worked on completing randoms ins and outs around our house.
I also found myself celebrating milestones. Every Monday, which was the day Garrett left, I would treat myself to a celebratory meal of nuggets and fries(which sounds cheesy, but its one of my favorites). I started nearly every morning with ten minutes of yoga and twenty minutes of the Bible. I pushed myself at the gym and began to notice strength in my body. I regularly met with women from my community for movies, pizza, cinnamon roles and asian food.
But one of the best things for me was listening to one song in particular: Jireh by Elevation Worship and Maverick City Music. If you haven’t heard it, go listen to it right now. Reflecting on the words of the first verse always stirred my heart, reminding me that God is sufficient in my lack of. I hope it does the same for you.
I’ll never be more loved than I am right now. Wasn’t holding you up, so there’s nothing I could do to let you down.
I’ll never be more loved than I am right now.
You would cross an ocean so I wouldn’t drown. You’ve never been closer than You are right now.
So I will be content in every circumstance.
Jireh, You are enough.